I'm dark and sarcastic today!

my head still hurts, my hair needs washed and styled because I'm bored with it! The whole long thing goldy auburn thing is nice but I have to see it every day and it's natural and naturally boring me. Mostly because I'm too lazy to get up early to do it, just like make-up. Especially if I have gotten up early to exercise. It's sooo much work being beautiful! The expectations! and then there was this one guy who told me I look much better when i don't put any effort into it. ummm...yeah! a natural beauty eh? I always feel messy.

sorry being a major girl today! okay. luvyabuhbye!

glglglglglgl

In a great mood although I just had a ridiculous trip to work, dropped the car off for repairs (to the tune of $2400-ouch!) and the rental car wasn't already set-up!  Hello!  I do have to go to work!  and then it took for ever to get that straightened out.  Idiots!  And a terrible headache on the verge of migraine, construction on the way to work and some wierdo in the car next to me, winking at me and waving.  yeah! like I'm gonna roll down the window and chat.  NO!
But, a "rockstar" later and I'm chipper and hyper and getting tons of work done.  Yippeeeeeee!!!  Last night I sang: Lisa Loeb: Do you sleep, Melissa Ethridge: I'm the only one, Duet with a stranger that asked; Shania Twain: from this moment and surprize surptize I didn't know that song and faked it alright but really!  Do I look like the type to listen to Country? and then I sang Veruca Salt: Seether.  That song rocks.  I sang something else first but can't remember what it was.  and I'm very sure the headache is from the "Black Opal" that Nikki made.  Just the thought of it hurts my head but it was tasty!  
Ryan- What song did I sing first?  it's gonna make me nutz!
So, hope all y'alls day is happy/hyper as mine.

wow

across town there are three buildings with diamond shaped tops, I see them from my office window.  In the last two weeks the sun has been at the perfect spot in the sky to catch the angle that reflects it's lights off of the windows at the top, and shoot flooding orange light into my office.  It is beautiful, it makes my mirrored reflection glow as in flame.  It heats up my office and gives me chills and is just a feeling that makes me think "wow".

Things are just beautiful.  The wind blowing through leaves, or tall dry grasses making a noise that crescendos as if something great is about to happen.  The clouds building up, billowing tall plumes into the sky and making sunset colors more divine than I've ever noticed before.  People being so busy and so friendly lately that I notice how small and insignificant I've become in the scheme of things.  I haven't been as friendly in the last few years, i've turned into somewhat of snob.  Mostly because I don't have anything important to say, nor would I want to come off sounding ignorant... and that fear has kept me from being friendly.  I've got to hand it to my new friend T, she has opened a few windows and turned a strange mirror on me.  And I'm starting to like the way my eyes are opening and I am seeing myself a little more clearly.  What a strange time in life.  There is so much change happening and some of the changes are wanted and some not so much.  But I'm stretching and finding lots of things I quite enjoy.

Thanks Tiffany.   

what the heck is curmudgeon anyways?

I hate radio ads.  My dad got a job. I have giant hair today.  And I'm at work.
That's my day so far and I'm craving chocolate, dark chocolate, hot chocolate with whip cream.  I guess m&ms might cover it.  I'll have to see what I can do. 
Okay, its almost 0900 and I'm already bored.  It's BR tonight even though at the moment I am not in the mood.  I still want to go running, maybe dancing, maybe just roaming around town, fast.
good day.

Tuesday again.

temperature has gone down a little, yesterday was productive (cleaned house, did laundry, bought Neverending story and Lost boys DVD and watched those, went out to dinner w/the Huz, picked up my aunt from the mechanics, got all the laundry put away and I even had time to shower and sleep) . And yep!  I'm here sitting at work wondering why the hell I haven't found a new job.  I sat in traffic for an hour and a half this morning and that can kill any job's delight.  Like I don't waste enough time of my own, I mean really!!!
Okay, looking forward to this next 3 weeks to get over with and turn my motivation into something great. 

I'm stuck in Fitzgerald land and would love to take off a couple months and live like one of his characters but that will be a while.  But we are planning a nice little vacation down to Cali to hit all and I mean all!) of the Amusement parks around Halloween and then drive back up the coast and hit the Hearst Castle for one of the evening tours, where the employees are all dressed up like the actors and are partying and portraying the life that was led then.  Which just goes right along with my F. Scott Fitzgerald wanting. 

okay have a nice day.

he's jus' torny!

so the bands we went to hear last night were amusing if nothing else.  luckily we only stayed for the first two because as much as we all love masochistic/torturing/screaming heavy"so-called" rock, after the first two bands who managed to do short sets that supposedly were angry, loud songs, I still can't seem to remember if there was actually any lyrics whatsoever.  The last band was Kettle Cadaver, the guy we knew was in Contusion and it was their first gig ever.  Which they at least were more tight musically but again minimal talent.  the first group unfortunately seemed to have a 21 yr old fat disgusting lead singer who thought he was talented and good looking and something of a sex god.  He was repulsive his fat hairless stomach had motion all its own and he liked to jump around the stage which made this all the more rebarbative.  And then I can do GWAR on occasion but Kettle Cadaver, hammering nails through their scrotums, and using staple guns on themselves everywhere, attaching barbed wire to their faces and limbs and screaming/yelling/shrieking to unorganized sound on familiar instruments only goes so far with me.  I'm bored, the spectacle holds no intrigue to me at all.  And all aside, the crowd at these types of shows are relatively creepy.  But, we stayed until 1130pm and then went to BR to observe another kind of spectacle.  What is wrong with people?!?!  It was just T, Jason and I and poor Jason having to spend the whole evening with such hot chicks was having a weird night.  And the girl watching for him seemed strained as he kept apologizing and explaining that he's jus' torny.   I mean can you blame him? One voluptuous vixen and one curvy kitten at your side the whole night, what can you do? Yeah to say the very least, the night was amusing but boring.  Girls are dumb and guys can be ridiculously stoopid!  Not our present company just all those weirdos we were watching.  Hopefully this weekend can prove better for society.  Because I'm starting to think that avoiding all these scenes and sticking to home and "restaurants" sounds like a mighty fine idea.  And most likely less expensive. Game night should prove fun, but tonight I'm looking to try a different place (sorry BR). 

I'd like to think...

i had a strange day yesterday.    I drew lots of attention and none of it bad.  One of my friends even told me I looked so hot that she wanted to have sex with me. ROFLMAO!!!!

It's nice to have a day like that.  I'm still basking in that "pretty" feeling.  It will last until I get outside and start sweating.  I'm really wanting to cut my hair off again.  It's almost to my waist and in the heat feels like a giant rug draped over me aside from when it's hot and sticky it ends up feeling nasty and heavy and wrapped around my neck in an uncomfortable manner.

So, I'd like to think... that I can feel the way I did yesterday all the time.  Except for the fact that it felt like I had a crush on everyone.  And of course magnified with alcohol. 
Okay enough of that.  So, I'm out again tonight with T, to go listen to a couple of bands we've never heard of except she knows one of the guitarists/singer from.  So Conans on Hawthorne tonight.   Please be interesting!!!  I can't stand anymore dull rock.

stuck at home...

So, most of you know I live in the sticks.  Have a geat new house with a amazing view of the sunsets!  But it is still the sticks and cable TV out there is horribly expensive, so being the bright kids that we are (the huz and I) didn't even think of hooking up our TV to the cable connection in the wall, as we had seen that the previous owners had satellite and took it with them.

Well, we blew about $500 this weekend which included a new tube.  You never realize what your missing until you change it.  The difference between an 18" and 27" is drastic and the picture quality from the old tube to the new flatscreen is quite noticeable too.  And then we had bunny ears on the old TV and decided to hook it into the wall... Presto!  They never unhooked their cable (yahoo!).  And we haven't left the house since.  History channel, American Choppers (totally addicted to this one), watched movies that I haven't seen: Love Actually, Spirited away, etc...

so, i think I'll venture out tonight.  Rip myself from the television and talk to people.

To mention something quickly: Guy (i know) in dreams teaching me to fight and me kicking the crap out of tons of people.  I am always protecting myself from things in these dreams.  I wake up tired and sometimes feeling relieved.  but always happy that guy showed me a new trick and glad to see said guy.  But always weirded out that I am always fighting and action herionesque.

walking in imaginary scenes...

It's strange to see your own profile silhouette across the wall.  The sun shone onto the mirror in the side of my office casting my profile on the wall northeast of me.  Seeing my nose and eyelashes in a way I hadn't before.  My jawline and wild hair...
Can't seem to leave the fog I'm in.  And it's ok, one of those days when I'd like to escape alone and wander the streets downtown.  Find someone to "play" intrigued with.  Some way to feel out of body and desire-able.  This mental feed that keeps me stone faced and blah can be changed with a little smile, a little eye contact.  And the heat doesn't seem to help with this lethargy that has enveloped me.  If it rains again today I'm gone.  My left hand is numb from an oncoming migraine and I only need one more reason to send me out the doors. 
It's a deep blue day, dark eyes...blue shirt...wide stare.  A day when actually putting an effort into my looks would have improved my mood.   But I stayed in bed too long knowing that if I got up, I was going to be irritated all day.  And only music helps on days like this.  A driving, pulsing, emotion drawing song that can make me cry or make me wanton or make me thrilled.  A day... gray clouds, slight breeze and impending rain call me mysteriously.  Just call me ...

Hoping...

Life running the Peds ICU here at the Children's hospital has turned boring. Not challenging! so I talked to the County DA and it sounds positive about becoming his secretary and going back to a county job with good pay and benefits and where I get to think for myself and do projects that constantly are changing. So, cross your fingers for me. I will be applying for that position in a few weeks and so far I've been told that I'm the only one qualified! Thank God for strange jobs that have fallen in my lap and the smarts to over-achieve enough to excel out of them! Don't get me wrong every job I've had has had good benefits and pretty good pay, but I need a challenge and have figured out that I am not really a career person. My job does not make-up who I am, so I must continue to move on and find one that pays for what does... my life outside of the office (quirky stocking girl with matching shoes and outfit that plays all night long and runs about the city watching people and loving everything!!!).

P.S. I will be looking at a $5 an hour pay increase too. that won't hurt at all.

Spider!!!

Blehchct! So I was awaken numerous times to strong winds, booming thunder and beautiful flashes. Loved every minute of it and didn't mind being jarred awake like that.

But this morning around 5:30 a woke up to a weird feeling and above my bed was a blurry black object moving strangely about on the ceiling. You know it's bad when you can see something like that without the glasses (as I am terribly blind without the lenses). It was the nastiest of gross spiders I had seen in a while so I called in the Huz... since I can't reach the ceiling and had him use my ever trusty tennis racket to kill the beast that was doing some weird dance on my ceiling. He squished it but it wasn't right... the body, with legs and head came down and started crawling away so we beat the hell out that part and then the back/butt part that must've been making some kind of a web, let itself down with it's web slowly. *shivers* so we beat the hell out of that part too and I will not be going back into my bedroom without the vacuum now. It seems that gross spiders are coming from nowhere and are all over the house.

Oh and to make it all better... with my glasses on: the spider was at least the size of a nickel. Blehchct!

some times there's a pain that is difficult to express

So, logically I can talk my way out of wanting to have a baby. I can reason that it will happen when it is supposed to and the timing is wrong right now. I can do this. And then there are times like now when I find out that another friend or relative has gotten pregnant against huge obstacles (or quite ridiculously pregnant again). I just recieved news that Dan's cousin is expecting and she has a pituatary tumor so they thought that she might not be able to and I'm excited for them and happy for(with)them. But it reminds me, that I'm not where I thought I'd be by now. We've been capable for the last 3 years and medically determined that there is nothing wrong with either of us (physically) but we just haven't concieved.

And today the good news makes me cry.

I go for months at a time where I'm completely fine and the desire for this isn't even there but when reminded, there is a strange pain, a want to experience this amazing thing. It makes a queer anger, a feeling of things not being fair, although that is ridiculous. I'm not entitled to concieve, nor do I believe that everybody deserves to have children.

But it definitely is painful today. And it's something that I have no one to talk to about who can relate. None of my friends or family have experienced this or can adequately sympathize. So, it will get thrown onto this page (in release).

There is something wrong with this week!!!!!!!

I'm exhausted, not really sick anymore, I sleep through my alarm clock, I wake up way late and rush all morning long and get more exhausted. Plus I had a friend ask me if I was pregnant on wednesday...What is that about? I must be looking larger and tired, lovely!!! Oh well, it can only get better... This is friday so have a good weekend. Thank you and goodnight.

So, thought better of it later...not a great idea.

last blog entry deleted. There are just some socially acceptable things to do and some not. And my over zealous choice of descriptive words made it all the more uncomfortable thinking back on it. It is interesting to me and I would like to know her but it isn't a good idea.

re-cap: work yesterday, migraine yesterday, sleep after work, go out 8pm until 2am get home realize I left all the doors to my house unlocked, freak out and search whole house (every closet, under beds, in cupboards), go to bed, jump out of bed when heard thumps, searched house again, go back to bed, hear noises and motion detector lights come on in the back of the house, jump out of bed look out windows, see nothing, crawl back into bed, intently listening ears perked at greatest magnitude, light goes off and goes back on again, so I jump out of bed, look out window, see nothing but this time all of the flowers in the back of the house trampled, try to wake up the snoring Huz to no avail(tells me to quit it and go to sleep), light goes on and off again, can't see back downstairs door from bedroom window so I get dressed run into dining room making lots of noise and fly out onto deck to look underneath through slats, see nothing check all locks on every door, lock door from basement to rest of house, go back to bed locking even my bedroom door, light goes off once back into bed, then comes back on with noises, so fly out of bed, get dressed again, grab the only weapon I could find(i.e. Tennis racket) and search whole house again:every room, closet, cupboard, check locks on all windows, garage, basement, utility room, basement bathroom and bedroom w/ closet behind doors and storage rooms. And then (weilding my trusty tennis racket) brave the back yard to see just what might be out there, looking wildly around w/heart pounding, run back inside close and lock all locks on screen and door. Still having seen nothing but trampled flowers decide it best to just turn the motion detector off for the night because by this time it is about 4am and I have to be up and out of here by 6am. Lock all doors behind me, basement and bedroom and open windows to hear back yard open curtains, crawl into bed listening intently still, eyes studying every shadow cast on walls and finally fall asleep. 5:45am came too soon. And the day has been nothing but hurried and swamped but I'm functioning. I am an idiot but functioning. It's a good thing the Huz sleeps soundly, as he did the whole way home from town and the whole time I was freaking out. I guess he just knows he married a spaz and has built into his system a spaz alarm silencer in his head. I'd like to hope had it been a real emergency that he would perform but I'm starting to think he might sleep through anything.

Again, I just am a self proclaimed idiot and would have continued that behavior even if I had not seen the trampled flowers and heard thumping. I have cats just so I can blame noises on them and be able to sleep. But cats inside can't set off the motion detector outside. So spaz or not you decide.

Gruesome drive to work!!!

I was listening to the radio out in lala land and i get to Milwaukie and commercials start so then I come back to earth and start looking around me and notice a huge Canadian goose strewn across the rode in many pieces, guh! And then some bleach blonde,overtanned, fake nail lady in a brand new 4Runner cuts me off and stuck to the back bug deflector or some weird roof rack is a large robin-kind-of bird that had gotten it's foot stuck in the rack and is thrashing around violently in the wind until it died right there in front of me and just hangs for another 10 miles. So, I get up beside the lady to tell her she has a huge dead bird hanging from the back of her car and try my best to get her attention(waving hands at her, honking, stop ping way behind traffic) and she looks at me, puts on her sunglasses, rolls up her window and completely ignores me (on purpose!) so that I can't tell her about it. And like it wasn't bad enough that I woke up from strange dreams and hour late and felt all strange and sore and freaked out. Put sloppy work clothes on, no makeup, combed hair and left for work in a daze. This can not make for a great day. I think I'll go back home to bed.

i thought i was getting better

yesterday I felt pretty good and wednesday too, I even sang a little bit. But today, no voice again! And sore too. Dan's fam gets in around 6ish tonight and I felt so exhausted lastnight, I didn't do anything but cook dinner. Steaks and Avocado! YUMMMM!!!!!!!!! and for desert a box full of costco cream puffs (they are from the devil!) I have a bit of housecleaning to do and then be the little hostess with the mostess for the weekend. So, it will be the quick clean when I get home and then we have to meet them for dinner around 730 or 8. I'm soooo tired already! I slept for 10hrs lastnight and was late for work, and it is almost 11am already. Gotta love that!

Okay this is a very boring post!!! maybe updates throughout the weekend.

little sleep...

so! my entry today was going to be about kissing. About touch. ----passion.
little sleep makes the mind wander, reel and then it hits me again.
pullintofirmagainsthandsinhairembrace---slow breath--- heartbeatingloudlyinbodypressedagainstanotherheartbeatingloudlybody
slightlyopenmouthevidentwarmfeelingnothingelseinthoughts-taste
heartpoundinglipssoftlyenjoyingthewarmexcitingtouchoflipspressedengagedinbeauty- touched!

...

this is why I'm still not well...

So the wedding I went to this last weekend was in Roseburg on saturday at 11am. Well... i went out the night before, got home around 3ish and still needed to shower, do the hair, bring clothes to change into for the formal-outdoor- 90 degree wedding. And since I was leaving around 530am it didn't make much sense to try and get any sleep in, as it would have made me more tired. so when I returned home from roseburg around 8pm I decided to go out with the Huz, I had coughed and hacked and wheezed all day but still wanted to go hang out in a smokey bar. By 1030pm I was miserable, went home to bed continued to cough all night long. At 9am the Huz went to the store and bought me many drugs to try. I slept from 930 to noon. Improvement! Well, I never slept great the whole week coughing, restless, playing on computer...so what did I do last night? Help a friend move into a new apt, and then went out. Sang a little with this Kathleen Turner voice and around 130 or 2am thought donuts sounded good. Got over to Voodoo and decided biscuits and gravy sounded even better so walked up to Roxy with T and Liev and proceeded to talk till 245am then we walked back to the car on NW 3rd and davis and I got home to bed about 4am up at 630/7am for work and here I am. And I just can't seem to figure out why this cough wont leave and my voice come back. Curious isn't it!!!

I'm an idiot. But at least I'm having fun being an idiot! Thought of stalking somebody lastnight but apathy took over. So some other day i will come and say hi!
Adios!