some times there's a pain that is difficult to express

So, logically I can talk my way out of wanting to have a baby. I can reason that it will happen when it is supposed to and the timing is wrong right now. I can do this. And then there are times like now when I find out that another friend or relative has gotten pregnant against huge obstacles (or quite ridiculously pregnant again). I just recieved news that Dan's cousin is expecting and she has a pituatary tumor so they thought that she might not be able to and I'm excited for them and happy for(with)them. But it reminds me, that I'm not where I thought I'd be by now. We've been capable for the last 3 years and medically determined that there is nothing wrong with either of us (physically) but we just haven't concieved.

And today the good news makes me cry.

I go for months at a time where I'm completely fine and the desire for this isn't even there but when reminded, there is a strange pain, a want to experience this amazing thing. It makes a queer anger, a feeling of things not being fair, although that is ridiculous. I'm not entitled to concieve, nor do I believe that everybody deserves to have children.

But it definitely is painful today. And it's something that I have no one to talk to about who can relate. None of my friends or family have experienced this or can adequately sympathize. So, it will get thrown onto this page (in release).